the purpose driven (Agent) Wife

The other night I was going through one of those occasional "Am I doing the right thing in life? Am I a failure?" rantings. In the last 3 years these have come about once every 3-4 months. Truthfully, I'm very confident in who I am as well as my gig as a secret agent.

There's a real popular book in which I think every Christian on the planet (except me) has read: "The Purpose Driven Life". I think it sits on our shelf as a friend gave it to us. Agent Wife read it and she says it's 'OK'. But I've never felt the draw to read it. If I understand correctly, it's a book that helps you find your true purpose for existence or something like that. Your "calling", if you will. That's sounds like a pretty lofty goal for a book I guess. Ever since I tripped and stumbled into ministry (and eventually undercover work) as a full time gig back in 1999 - I've KNOWN exactly why I'm on this earth. I wake up every morning knowing why I'm here and loving every second of it...and thanking the CEO for allowing me to find my calling NOW versus 40 years from now. And I think it's sad that many Christians don't know "why" they're here and therefore, they possibly live defeated lives. I don't know the answer to their plight. Maybe Rick Warren does. Maybe I'm part of the 1% of Christians who didn't need to read that book. I don't know.

But as I've hinted before, Agent Wife and I have been in sort of a 'wilderness' period of our lives for almost 3 years. I'm sure it won't last forever. Lord, please let it not go on some damned 40 years then I miss out on the 'promised land'.

Anyway - before bed the other night I'm moping around the desk next to my bed. I pick up one of the best antidotes I know of for self pity. Two and a half years ago my wife gives me this scrapbook-type thing for my birthday. Inside it are pages of handwritten and emailed notes from most every friend I've ever known. And their writings say what I meant to them or did for them, etc. All positive, of course (It was my birthday for crying out loud. Who'd use that kind of opportunity to stab me in the back?). Most were from family and various friends here in the mother city. But surprisingly, some were from long forgotton or distant relationships: old high school friends I haven't seen in 15 years, a musical mentor on the east coast, a spiritual friend I've never met face to face yet, etc. Agent Wife (using her skilled research tactics that comes natural to us investigative agents) broke my password and raided my email address book to contact some of these people she never heard of. Imgine being dead and listening to the positive things everyone said about you at your funeral...but with no sermon or preaching or crying. And no death. That's what this book is for me. It's priceless and about once or twice a year I read it out of neccessity.

I must state that Agent Wife is the best wife in the world. No really - I know it's cheesy and trendy to praise one's spouse in a blog post. But really - if YOU are a married guy, the truth is that YOUR wife is inferior to mine. Or if YOU are someone's wife...sorry to break the news...but you just don't cut it.

(Insert sarcastic winky face here)