Expose': altered re-post

The following is a slightly altered report that was originally posted Friday September 23, 2005. A comment was left by 'anonymous', yet signed as the attorney of the Christian Store chain I was reporting on. This attorney wrote a legal-sounding request for me to refrain from posting photos and/or negative comments about merchandise carried by said store. After several internet searches and a phone call (to hear his voice mail message stating his name) I was 90% certain this guy is who he says he is and not a gag by Gentry ala Chuck Smith CCS.

After some brainstorming and more internet searches I am again 90% certain of who directed this attorney's attention to the Agent B Files (as I highly doubt he or his staff sits around surfing blogs all day).

In the end, it's never good to make "enemies". The sad thing is that the original post was meant to be a gag. If it's not funny to you why engage in legalism? Click that "next blog" button and move on. I understand where I may have overstepped my bounds with the photos, but thankfully this country is "free" as is my speech. Thus, this altered re-post.

Also...always searching my heart for twistedness and sin...I am not so sure that "exposing" the 'weirdness' of Christians and their institutions is a good thing. I am a big believer in 'reaping what you sow' - big time. And by engaging in this kind of behavior perhaps my own weirdness will someday be exposed. Maybe it already is. So...I am searching for answers in these doings, as well as rethinking my postings of local church signs, etc. Prayers appreciated, as always.

Anyway...here is the altered re-post of the original report...without photos - Agent B

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I went on a covert operation the other day with Agent Offspring. My expertise in secret agenting is blending in with the poverty culture. Well, I don't "blend in" all that well. I was born middle class so some habits are tatooed in my psyche. But for the most part, I blend in fine, or so I think. So basically this recent gig was an operation that I've never done before: an undercover investigation of an unnamed local "Christian Store" here in the mother city. This was all inspired by Agent Gentry of the New England Gentrys. If I understand correctly, his undercover assignment is to actually "WORK" in one of these stores or online distributors. Can't say I'd ever want his dangerous assignment. But after this brief investigation, I extend my approving nod towards the Boston area...and anyone else doing agent work within Christian marketing.

For this assignment, Agent Offspring was the perfect ruse. I can look sloppy and scraggle-faced as usual but NOBODY is threatened or suspicious by a guy with a baby in a stroller. I look like a family man...on extended vacation. I blended in with the products that try to promote Christian values.

I've never had anything against Christian bookstores. I'm a Christian. I like books. But to go in these places you actually have to have money to spend, and the wife & I don't have much of that these days. So if a book isn't at the local library or on loan from a friend, I do without. So I never had a need to visit these stores. Besides, I ignorantly thought these joints sold mostly bibles, and I've got a bible. Maybe two. How many more would you need?

So, as we opened the doors we walked right into a store...with a heavy dose of church culture in the air. Church culture is an odd culture. I've never liked it much. Probably because I've never fit. It's an atmosphere that encourages...falseness...? I don't know if that's the right word. Maybe fakery. Like if I was having a bad day, I must pretend otherwise. Or maybe create small talk, which I was never good at. Maybe appear that everything in my life was "OK". The place was real neat, not like the dollar stores by my house which are probably run by athiests. And the employees were very friendly, in a church greeter sort of way. But I wasn't in a small talk mood and I came ill-prepared to engage these fine workers.

There were more than just bibles: books, music (nothing by The Who or Pat Metheny), high priced wall paintings with Christian symbols, plenty of crosses on the wall, and greeting cards. Did you know that my alma mater's favorite graduate Max Lucado has a line of greeting cards? He'd probably roll around in his grave if he found out they cheapened his life's work like that. I'd sue. Or at least write a politely threatening blog comment.

The biggest surprise was a line of products for Sunday School and financial record keeping. I never thought that churches might need to actually buy these somewhere. And I don't understand how keeping any records would promote truth. Didn't King David get his butt whipped because he disobeyed God by counting his army? Maybe there's a difference in counting an army and keeping attendence. Maybe David was "old testament" (like "old school") and churches are "new testament" so counting is OK in the new testament. I don't know.

My favorite was the many different offering envelopes you could buy. I never knew about these. For example, there was one for "Pastor's Appreciation Day" with a blank for "total $". What the...!?! If they had a Secret Agent Appreciation Day set I would have blown my cover and bought them. I can see it now...I could pass them out to friends, neighbors, and guys on the street. "It's Secret Agent Appreciation Day. Forget the handshakes. Slap me a JACKSON. I've got a household budget I'm trying to piece together!!" Yea...who needs faith? I've got 100 envelopes for $5 that could reap a modest investment return.

I'm new at this kind of covert operation so I didn't know what to expect or how to prepare. Perhaps I should go back and actually "work" with the sales people. You know...like one of those 'mystery shoppers'...

This report filed by B.