So I read all the standard notes in the book on faith (Hebrews 11, etc). Done. Faith is believing what you don't see. Believing as though it were. I can do that (or so I arrogantly think). I've done that for exactly 10 years this month (The anniversary of my "deliverence". And no, not the banjo kind. I'm manic depression-free 10 years and counting).
Financially speaking, we have not received consistant support (ie: a paycheck) since we were removed from the institutional club 3 years ago. No big deal. Things came up here & there. Music gigs, house painting gigs, investment gigs. So...I guess we were receiving consistant support. Just in an offbeat way.
So whenever people ask what we do I say, "I'm an undecover agent". And when they ask who paid us I get kind of cocky and say, "God always meets our needs". Like I was really believing that or something.
So...why is it when we have a close call (like last week when the month changed) did I panic? IS that lack of faith?
And why is employment so synonymous with identity in our culture? - That's the one I hate the most. "I'm a student". "I work with a consulting firm". "I own an exterminator business".
Well gee...I just sit around on my ass until the CEO puts some needy person in my path. Then I go with the flow of that relationship, if I don't screw it up. Yay me.
An aquaintence came by this morning while I was home and innocently asked me, "Did you not have to go in this morning?". It caught me off guard. "Uhh...yea...sure", I reply. Go "in". Why do I feel like I am supposed to be ashamed if I don't have a specific place 'to go' between 8a and 5p?
And then there's our parents and in-laws who probably think we're aliens. Or bums. Don't EVEN get me started.
Secret Agenting is a weird gig anyway. You never really have 40 hours of "work" a week. One day you got nothing going on at all. Then you'll be with someone consistantly for several days straight. Then some kids come over needing attention. Then a stranger shows up on your doorstep in the middle of the night. Then some poor neighbors invite you over for BBQ and cheap beer. I can accept this life as I'm "good" at it and I love it. But why do I get fidgity when other neighbors wonder why my car never left the driveway all day? And why do I think that finances aren't coming these months when they have for the last 3 years?
Lord - I confess...my faith has wandered off. Thank for your provision and for the day to day life you give us.
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3 comments:
sounds like the ramblings of a man that is on the road.
i'm glad to be on it with you.
Yes. On the road...again. Hmmm. Perhaps "Prophet Willie" needs to be added to the prophet network listings.
Thanks Jeff. You'll always be on my mind.
i have many friends who are unhappy with the ministry they are in. all of them i have encouraged them to quit and work a "regular" job.
they are all afraid they wouldn't make it cause all they have known is ministry.
i think you (and i and G) are proof that one can "make it."
faith, real faith isn't the jitters and worries or convidence or whatever, it is in the doing... and you are doing it...
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