Thursday, June 08, 2006


I haven't seen my old friend Momo in a while. But I haven't looked for him either.

Momo gets mad at everything at least once.

And when he gets mad at you (which will eventually happen if you ever meet him), you get put on the list.

This isn't some proverbial "list" or funny guy schitck. I mean, you actually get your name written on a pad of paper along with about 4 billion other individuals and companies, etc.

Anybody who has ever pissed off Momo gets put on the list. I know I'm on there at least 5 or 6 times.

I saw this list once. It was funny. It had people's names, the mayor, the president of the USA, Coca-Cola Co, Pepsi Cola Co, owners of an abandoned building that kicked Momo off the property, and on and on. I'm sure he's lost the list and started over dozens of times, but the list actually exists.

And the list has a purpose. It contains all the people and companies Momo plans to sue and make millions of dollars from.

I asked him if he'd share a little of the money with me if he ever collected a million bucks. "Hell no", he said. "I might let you eat the crumbs off the floor from my steak dinners".

It's funny. He's actually written AND mailed these letters to organizations and people he wants to sue. I mean...PAGES and pages of child-like handwriting on yellow legal pad. I once had to kick him out of the izzy group ministry one night because he didn't want to lay down at "lights out" and instead wanted to write hate mail all night in the kitchen.

I woke up the next morning to find him writing his 36th letter while lying on his stomach out on the front porch wrapped in a sleeping bag in 22F weather.

I was put on the list.

It's funny. He'd bum stamps off church secretaries then mail these pieces of work to god knows where.

I've always wondered who received them. If you ever get a fat envelope filled with hateful handwritten ranting that makes little sense, it's probably Momo.

One of my favorite Momo list entries is "every church in this damn town". Apparently, he was upset about being hungry one day and some church wouldn't feed him or they didn't feed people at all or something.

So Momo wanted to sue churches. Every church. He said churches falsely advertise by claiming to believe in the bible but they won't follow it's instructions like giving a cold cup of water or a plate of food to a homeless guy like himself.

I'm not a fan of victimology, but I don't know if I can disagree with Momo on this one.

I have no intent on suing anybody.

But I'm curious...does anyone out there know... it actually feasible to sue a church for not obeying the bible?


g13 said...

dude, momo is one funny mofo. this made me laugh out loud and wonder whether nbc could use it to produce an ironic spin-off of my name is earl.

Agent B said...

I don't know what "earl" is about.

I came up with an idea for a Taxi-esque sitcom about a homeless shelter/non-prof/case worker.

And Momo was a huge inspiration for one of the characters...

Mike said...

i wanna sue evangelicalism for bait and switch.

i was promised meaning and purpose and a sense of God's love.

all i got was a pain in my balls before they cut them off.

Agent B said...

I don't understand, Mike.

Were you hurt in some way?

Anonymous said...

I should have posted I read about Momo, I too laughed aloud. Then I saw an old Simpsons episode that had almost the exact scenario being played out. Homer was complaining about having an enemy (Frank Grimes) and Moe pulls out a list of his enemies. Barney points out that it is actually Richard Nixon's enemy list that Moe claimed for his own. So Moe scratches out a name an adds Barney Gumble. I had to laugh again. Anyways--amidst the humour and the irony in your writing you always keep me thinking and possibly squirming too...that's good.
lil' sis

Agent B said...

As always...thanks for everyone's comments.

My real point of this post is the question at the end about suing churches. But I couldn't get there without writing about Momo. He's always funny. Have I ever written about how he use to collect cans for money and he refered to it as his business: Momo Cans. And he was the CEO of Momo cans. And he eventually quit the business because insurance prices got too high. Hilarious.

Anyway, I'm serious about suing churches. I mean...I'm not going to seriously do it. But can it be done successfully?

Back in the early 80's Ronald Reagan and congress enacted some sort of law that acknowledged the US govt recognizing the BIBLE as the actual written word of God. I don't know the law number. I guess I could look it up.

...and believing in God isn't the point. The US just states that the bible is god's word. Period.

So on that basis...could a lawyer successfully argue that a church is not following the word of god, thus be sued for some kind of false advertising? Seriously?

I thought it was a step in the right direction when the govt recently started cracking down on non-profs. They stated that non-profs had to actually SERVE the community some how. And that got some churches off their ass to do food pantries and what not...

Any comments on suing churches?

Are there any non-churchy lawyers who read this?

Very curious...