Thursday, June 15, 2006


Often, I convince myself that I live at a simple level and own very little.

Then, like this week, we rearrange our house because a new baby is joining us soon. And the truth is exposed: I own a lot of crap.

A bunch of my crap was shoved in part of a bedroom closet. You know: out of sight, out of mind. Whatever I own that I have no use for, but I fear getting rid of for WHATEVER reason (sentimental, possible use one day, etc), it was shoved in that closet.

I am exposed.

In the past I have proudly announced to all that I'm the "anti-packrat" and I keep nothing.

Reality: I am a closet packrat. Figuratively and literally.'s easy for me to get rid of stuff. I hate clutter.

But the stuff in that closet has to do with my former (or dormant) identity of being a musician.

Old music textbooks from college, blank score paper for orchestrations, blank staff notebooks, about 400 copies of a CD I recorded, and folders and folders of music ideas - most of which never came to pass.

It seems that the life I live now is about as far from music as the fair mother city is from Moose Jaw. And as much as I'd like to visit Saskatchewan again someday, I just don't know if I'll be writing orchestrations ever again. It's just not in me these days and it doesn't look like it's coming back.

So why can't I get rid of this stuff?

Also, I have been delaying any sales of my music instruments and gear for months. Although truth be known, I have: a) little desire to play at all - (I don't enjoy my recent gigs at the Jedi Counsel Room much), b) few opportunities to play anywhere, c) a growing family and thus a shrinking house for such space hogs like music gear and, d) a huge need for quick cash.

But I keep hanging on to them like MAYBE something might change in the future and I can be a musician again. I really want to.

I've been playing that hopeful tune for 3 and a half years...

I think I'm heading upon some serious decisions after this new baby has joined us...

...and thanks for putting up with my self-centered whine-fest. Your prayers are desired during these decisions.

1 comment:

Jason & Nicole said...

I'm very interested in buying one of your cds. I'll be in Abilene visiting my family between Sunday and Wednesday. Do you think there's any possibility I could meet you briefly and buy a cd?

You can email me at

I like a lot of blogs for their posts here and there, but your blog is my favorite overall. I think it's because you are usually talking about people rather than abstract ideas and also because you have a Christ-like tone.