It's fun being a new parent. Any of you folks out there contemplating parenthood, go for it. It's a good gig.
I hardly think of myself as a scholarly person. And I'm not experienced at this kid-thing. Yet, I find myself interjecting nuggets of truth and wisdom to my 13 month old (Agent Offspring #1) as if I were somehow influencing my baby's intelligence and wisdom.
Like...we'll be playing chase...crawling on the floor...me pretending to try and catch AO1. Then AO1 crawls away in a fit of laughter and screams. And after about 12 feet AO1 will stop and sit to look back at me with a smile, so I'll say, "Remember. Don't look back. Don't ever stop and look back. Always look forward. Looking back keeps you from moving ahead". Then I grab AO1's butt and tickle it. More laughter and screams.
At times like this - just before a new month - I get jittery. Well...for the last 4-5 months I have. I think I was walking on water the previous months. But lately I started looking down at my feet, I guess.
I have no freaking idea how bills will be paid this time. I've always had some semblance of a plan, but not this time. I've never wanted to write about this on my blog. I don't want sympathy nor do I want to be manipulative. But these thoughts plague me...and to ignore writing about this subject in a blog of my "reports, discoveries, observations, and confessions" would be dishonest to my true, secret agent self.
I'm currently working one small odd job that will be finished by Thursday. I started applying for "real" jobs yesterday. Get this: I've applied for #1 - a clerical position with an oil & gas company [OK], #2 - a secretary position at a law firm [yea, right. lawyer types and me don't mix], and #3 - an Associate Executive/Office Manager for a non-prof [that's all the ad said with PO Box address for my resume. It's the one I'm most qualified for on paper, but I hate non-profs].
I've seriously contemplated selling my beloved music instruments. I've hardly gigged in 3 years and they have great market value. But I cry even thinking about selling them. I'm ashamed of that. Me, the anti-packrat, never wanted to be attached to inanimate objects. But these instruments are part of an identity...I once had...and could have again.
We've heard the CEO tell us (through several different mediums) that he will provide for us abundantly. Well dammit...WHERE is it?!?
...all this to say...
If I had it to do over again...If I could go back to the old church system. Just play the political game, don't make waves, do all the right moves, make the masses like me, etc. Maybe even continue being employed there and play "team" better in hopes for better pay, better prestige, etc regardless of the poor in the fair mother city...would I go back to it if it would erase what I'm going through now?
Hell no.
I'm closer to the CEO now than I've ever been.
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2 comments:
Praying for all of you.
I love the words of wisdom to AO1. I tell similar things to my daughter and son. Abbey is 7 now. The crazy thing? They really hear it and remember those things we say.
Steve has said to Abbey since she was a baby...you don't have to be scared to do anything as long as daddy's with you. At age seven she tells everyone that..."I'll do it as long as daddy's with me...I can do anything as long as daddy's with me."' And she does.
When Max was in the ICU Steve would go beside him in his bed every single day and say..."you are strong...you are going to make it..." then he would roar in his ear. Well...you know the rest of that story...Max is strong and healthy.
Keep telling AOS1...he's listening!
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