casting nets

"...They went out and got in the boat. They caught nothing that night. When the sun came up, Jesus was standing on the beach, but they didn't recognize him.

Jesus spoke to them: "Good morning! Did you catch anything for breakfast?'

They answered, 'No.'

He said, 'Throw the net off the right side of the boat and see what happens.'

They did what he said. All of a sudden there were so many fish in it, they weren't strong enough to pull it in."

***********************

I am pretty down-n-out these days. Depression toys with me. I am highly displeased at where I'm at in life these days and I feel a season of change is upon me. I don't know how or what, but something's got to happen. Something's got to give way. So, yesterday I cut off my hair and began pounding the pavement...again. This is in addition to the opportunity vaguely mentioned here, where upon I'm told interviews may start this week.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I'm just throwing nets out.

Two years ago at this time The Bossman handed me my last guaranteed pay with the izzy group and more or less said "you're on your own". This was 6 weeks before the birth of Agent Offspring #1.

The next day I pounded the pavement hard looking for a new paying gig in life. During that time the CEO spoke very quiet and subtly to me that he would take care of us. And he has.

And the CEO has a 22 month track record doing so for me. These last two months have been a different story.

Part of it could be the sobering fact that I now have TWO kids instead of one. And part could be that so little (if any) provision has come before us in the way of CASH to pay our bills, etc.

Although agent assignments still seem to be handed to me daily, they don't seem to consume my every waking moment. They never did. So...guess I should join the workforce again after 7 years of ministering however I wanted.

I've greatly appreciated my time with the izzy group. But in some ways, I feel it's made me become unemployable. Most good paying employers don't care to hire former ministers, or so it seems. But secondly, it's hard to imagine not having this incredible freedom I've had these years.

Yes I know. I'm spoiled. I'm working on that. Honest.

I use to pray (still do) for open doors and opportunities to earn income. Such as odd jobs, painting, etc. Even those have dried up long ago.

The Table seems more like a pipe dream now than ever before. I won't give up on it though. Maybe just shelve it for a season, if necessary.

I'm very confused now. And yes, I understand that confusion is not a personality of the CEO. He doesn't operate that way to my knowledge.

I am confused because I figured that the CEO would have given me a clear warning or instruction in advance about my finances. Something like "Times are about to get tough. Start looking for work and prepare."

But nothing.

The only words I have received this year...muttered quietly by the CEO...is "wait" and "I trust you".

Wait?!?

You trust me? With WHAT? To get a job...when I'm broke with a new born, and desperate?!?

Often Agent Wife and I will have a communication exchange that will begin with one person thinking about something very detailed, then asking a very vague question. It's assumed that one should read the other's mind. For example, Agent Wife will look at me intently and ask, "Do you remember that...breakfast?"

To which I cautiously reply, "...more information please..."

I need more info, CEO.

"Wait?" You trust ME?

Yeah, I've read Job about a couple a hundred times. And yes, my life isn't even on the scale of misery that Job suffered. But I understand the the CEO can operate any ole way he pleases and I wasn't around when he made the universe, etc, etc.

I just need more information. And provision. I refuse to believe that you had us move to Undercover Lane three and a half years ago just to burn up in the desert and die. Please speak to me, open a door, or show me the way.

Calling all agents: I covet your prayers on this matter. Thank you.