Ruined

Agent reports of late have pretty much been downers. That's understandable I suppose. These last three or four weeks have really sucked. I've really tried to make the best of it though.

I've been going through a panic of sorts...trying to find money to live on because it seems that the CEO ain't delivering though any subversive avenues these days.

Times like these can really jack with your head and emotions. Yet I still trust the CEO and believe in his promises. Some would ask why, yet I wouldn't know how to answer them...with actual words.

So it goes.

Exactly Two years ago I went through the exact same panic season. And I hammered through town looking for full time employment. One such opportunitiy was a sales gig at a cell phone company. I jumped through multiple application and interview hurdles all to receive a one sentence email stating "we regret to inform you..."

So it goes.

The funny thing about that deal was...during my initial phone interview (which was with some guy in Chicago late one Sunday night...I loved interviewing for a job wearing nothing but boxers) the guy asked about my current "employment". So I told him about the izzy group ministry and how it lost all funding and I really didn't want to leave it at all, but I needed an income.

He paused. Then he said, (knowing full and well that our interview was being recorded for his superior to hear) "Well Agent B...I am a christian. And I will pray that you won't have to take this job so you can continue ministering".

That was funny.

I didn't get the job, and I picked up odd jobs and weird provision along the way.

Thanks for your prayer, interview guy...where ever you are.

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I'm not usually a big fan of laments. Yet I recognize that I'm in a lament season, and the happy, clappy, joy, joy jesus and prosperity message from my charismatic background is now bullshit.

I have happiness & joy in places. Ie: My wife and kids are the greatest. But I've long identified with Isaiah in the 6th chapter: "Whoa to me, for I am fucking ruined. I have hung out with the dirty people of society and therefore I have seen the CEO"

So I'm in a lament phase with a take no prisoners bent. I'm tired of coming across so self-absorbed on these reports. Forgive me. This phase will pass someday. I promise.

I am a big fan of Fletch's (the construction guy) post on Psalm 121 and a recent church experience and his wrestling with the CEO. I think it's healthy to question and bitch about the CEO on occasion. That generally shows you acknowledge his existence and plan to grow towards him and refuse to be complacent.

Some in the agent network have said I'm a "prophet". That's really funny. I'd never call myself that. Just like if I called someone an asshole doesn't mean they are one. Just means I think they're one.

My coc upbringing doesn't even acknowledge the existence of prophets. And in my charismatic background, prophets were weird ass older people from out of town that pulled people from out of the crowd and said "a word" over them, usually something santa claus-like.

Agent X says something about my life is living out a "proph-o-drama". I now understand what he means, but I'm still digesting it. That sounds different than the santa word gig, therefore I can probably buy it.

And Jack tells me that prophets are rarely happy. That is, rarely happy with the church and the way things are going. I think I can buy that too.

...and with recent observations like my handy man boss Bill and his view of the poverty class ("he can just go down to the christian service center and get clothes and food instead of smoke them cigarettes")...

I don't know. Lamenting away...

However...

I would be on the verge of prophetic meltdown. But yesterday some dear friends of ours, who happen to be the sister and spanish-speaking mother of my across-the-street neighbor Juan Valdez, came over to pray with us and give a word to me.

Normally I'd be cautious about that. But this timid, sweet, Mexican woman has no agenda in life other than to minister to the CEO. And I trust her. Even though I can't speak spanish.

And ever since yesterday when I woke up, I've carried an unexplainable peace with me.

I've just felt better than I've felt in a long time. Thank you CEO.