Monday, October 02, 2006

decision


Bills are due. Getting close to "past due".

No money. Zero.

Still looking for work. About to start grabbing anything.

The good news: a valuable car is in my name. It can be sold. But not yet as the title will be mailed to me in the next week or two or three.

But I need money now. Bad.

My "break in case of emergency" last resort is starting to look like a reality: sell the 10 caliber (music instrument).

And if I sell the 10 caliber, which could probably fetch a great price fast, I might as well sell all related accessories and my trusty 4 string bass.

I actually tried selling my bass a couple of months ago via local paper ads. No action. So it goes.

Will this be my Isaac? Is my former (and once beloved) musician identity to be sacrificed?

I don't play much these days. Not really my choosing. Just the season I've been in I guess. But Agent Offspring #1 loves it when I play.

This really sucks. I don't remember it happening to George Muller this way.

I hate these decisions.

2 comments:

Mike Exum said...

I feel ya, B.

My job is giving out. We cannot sell enough books to stay in business. I have been looking too. I really want to stay in ministry, but working for the poor does not pay the bills. I give away 20-30 hours of work a week for free, that no one pays for, but me.

Last Sunday, I brought 16 people to church, 14 of which needed a ride. None of which had a dime to offer to the collection. The children all cried about being hungry. And while my clan, bad word choice really considering they were all black, was welcomed warmly and genuinely, unlike most churches I have attended, we are ill prepared to deal with all the neediness.

I am looking for work. I have tried for the prison job. I thought I would get in as Chaplain. I hate to sell ministry to the state, it means you really do what the state wants, not God, and it sooths the state's conscience that the padre will sell out to them so cheaply. Sadly, I did not get the job, but I was glad too, because I did not want to be the prison "yes man." As for corrections officer, I have no doubt a minister CAN work that position, and is needed just there, but that is a gruelling way to do ministry. I mean, how are you supposed to be the heavy and love someone at the same time? Tough gig.

As you know, I wanted to go back to school. That fell through and trashed all my dreams and plans. I cannot discuss why that fell through publicly, and it was not because of anything on the school's part, but it was worse than you can imagine. My future is sunk as a minister.

So, I am considering a position with an oil-field supply company up in New Mexico. As I understand it, there is a lot of money to be made. Not sure I really want a lot of money, but there is no doubt it soothes a lot of pains. I could whittle down my massive school debt. I could help finance ministry to the poor (from afar), but I would be isolated from touching them, loving them, and being with them most of the time as I court all that money and those who give it.

I am praying for Jesus to COME NOW. I am tired of waiting. I am praying with those martyrs under the alter in Revelation, "How Long????"

I live in America, I am a white male. I am still 30 something. I should be at the top of the game. But it seems every desire, and I mean the godly ones, is crushed.

Perhaps I should blog a post. You have no idea how long it would be. I get soooooooooo discouraged.

Then I read yours. I am always reminded that I eat well, I have yet to be cold, my truck, praise God, has not failed so far. And while the little I got is meager for Americans from my demographic, it is really nice on the world stage.

But, I am in angst over it all. Not happy or content. Very disturbed and UNcomfortable.

God help us! And come now.

Many blessings...

cade said...

man-

i can so relate. don't break that glass just yet.

i have no reason behind saying that other than that i can relate.

money sucks.

i am praying for you guys.

the CEO is faithful...always.